“God desires you, even in your brokenness.”

I should start by saying that I am a perfectionist to a fault.

People have joked in the past that it is because the Lord instilled within me a sense of responsibility and not accepting anything less than the best. But my desire, or obsession, with perfection has many times led me astray, especially when it came to how I saw myself in my relationship with God.

Quite simply, I had no relationship with Him. He was always a looming figure in my mind, someone I knew that existed and someone who was talked about frequently enough. I didn’t have fear of the Lord; I just feared Him. I feared hell and eternal damnation. But despite this fear of being banished to a place where there would be weeping and gnashing of teeth, I was incredibly apathetic.

The bible tells us that Jesus died for us because He loves us. Cool story, right?

I thought I understood the depth of that truth.

But that all changed when I had my Conversion moment in December of 2016.

Just before my Conversion, I was faced with something extraordinary. I was told that even in my shame, brokenness, and sinfulness, God still loved me. He desires me in my brokenness. No matter how unworthy I feel, He sees through that and sees who I am, and that is His beloved child who was formed in His image. 

In that moment, amidst my adult disbelief and how jaded I was from years of pain and suffering, was a little gap where I saw the light for the first time. The simple truth that had been hammered into my head for 20 years finally clicked for me.

Jesus died so that I might live.

He came to Earth not as a king, but as an ordinary human being with the extraordinary task of bearing the salvation of the world. For someone who is all man and all God, He took all of the sins of the world onto His own shoulders so that we could one day live with Him in paradise.
He chose a path so extravagant and difficult, despite the millions of other easy and pain-free options. I knew this and was able to recite this, but I never fully understood why.

And despite my past, He loves me.

I had never felt at peace like this before. Despite going to confession every so often, I still felt unsettled and would fall back into old habits. But for once, I saw my God face to face as the loving father that He always has been. For the first time, I saw Him not as someone who looked down on me with disappointment, but as someone who looks at me with love.

As humans, we aren’t immune to sin. But by the grace of God, we have the awesome ability to come back to Him, to make amends, and to move forward with Him by our side. I have come to see how true this is. He meets us where we are, and is always ready to catch us when we fall.

If you’re reading this and thinking, but you don’t know what I’ve been through, fair enough. I have no idea what suffering you’ve gone through. But what I do know is that our God is a loving and merciful God who desires to be with you in your whole life. The moment you call out to Him, the moment you turn back to make amends with Him, the moment you start running towards Him, you’ll realize that you don’t have to run very far. 

Because He will come running to you. 


I promise. 

-Rachel Wong

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